I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
