Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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