i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Pants are for mortals
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
