I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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