So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
