Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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