He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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