You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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