I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
