I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
