So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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