How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
