So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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