You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I need a hoe opinion
go on
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
