Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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