Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
