2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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