Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
