i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
It was confusing and full of hummus
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It's rum buckets o'clock
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
