Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
