Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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