Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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