Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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