i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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