I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I need to calm my uterus...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
