She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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