It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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