What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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