there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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