You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
