Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
