you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I lost the right to judge tonight
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
