Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
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We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
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Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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