Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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