don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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