i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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