I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I wear drunk well.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
