I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
