please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
