Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
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Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
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I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My penis needs a shock collar
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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