I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
