He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
