Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
