Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
