i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
