if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
