Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
