If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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