god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
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I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
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I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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