Are we in a gay sports bar?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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