Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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