what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
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You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
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He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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