Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
