I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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