Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.