Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA