Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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