So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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