the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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