Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
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I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
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