who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
