I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
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my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
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Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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